As you may or may not know I have had a range of unhealthy relationships – this is by no means a piece to out those or say what was done to me.Na this is about happiness and why the I keep trying to look for something wrong-
Lets start by saying as a independent/single person – my life is AWESOME it’s crazy sometimes and I feel like I’m treading water to keep my head above water but I love my life and I know that I’m going forward in varying speeds. Sometimes I’m a mental do-it super hero, sometimes I got out of bed and manage to email one person and drink 4 things of water.
When it comes to healing, learning, working, it comes at varying speeds. This I find greatly effects my relationships and anxiety! Relationships like with my boy friend, is where I tend to notice it the most.
WHAT?! – “didn’t you just leave your husband?” The look I get is mostly the single raised eyebrow. Uhm. yes and I wasn’t sure at first either but this man is pretty awesome.
One BIG thing about unhealthy relationships is they keep you guessing until you begin having to read between the lines and they often reaffirm the in-between are all sort of hurtful or damaging thoughts. You end up reading between the lines trying to avoid the next fight by “fixing it,” being smaller, or confronting it before it becomes that big fight that it does. Example: I had one relationship where if I were to take some more energy for myself-work-independence we would fight within 4-6 days, likely because I wasn’t consistently “on” ready and looking for prevention and caring to their wants.
In my current relationship we are are upfront and honest – brutally so – but I think that will work in our advantage long-term. I never have to read into what he is saying looking for something wrong though I notice this is a habit and I’m choosing to change it- same as saying “just” (try and avoid it you’ll notice how much it comes up!) or the fact that I noticed how much I was apologizing for myself or behavior instead of being confident “yep, I’m working on that.” that was so weird and uncomfortable at first.
I’m choosing to change these habits means being consistently “on” for myself. This is way more tiring then some of the other stuff going on right now – and there is a lot, but that stuff is fun. Feeling like you’re going crazy and if you run away from this good thing you’ll feel better is NOT FUN. I will not let myself run away – it is sometimes a hourly choice to not run. Thus, the brain looks for things wrong because it’s learning, and we can’t be to hard on ourselves for learning or unlearning. It takes a strength and work that isn’t physical and sometimes can feel hard to justify – but I assure you it is worth it.
Always go forward, it’s okay to be at varying speeds.
Thanks to the article that made me think about writing this blog and my awesome partner who is patient, incredibly loving, kind, stubborn, and a brutally honest man.
It’s not always easy – but it’s always worth it.