Do you ever feel like a crazy person?

As you may or may not know I have had a range of unhealthy relationships – this is by no means a piece to out those or say what was done to me.Na this is about happiness and why the I keep trying to look for something wrong-

EMOTIONAL HABITS.

Lets start by saying as a independent/single person – my life is AWESOME it’s crazy sometimes and I feel like I’m treading water to keep my head above water but I love my life and I know that I’m going forward in varying speeds. Sometimes I’m a mental do-it super hero, sometimes I got out of bed and manage to email one person and drink 4 things of water.

When it comes to healing, learning, working, it comes at varying speeds. This I find greatly effects my relationships and anxiety! Relationships like with my boy friend, is where I tend to notice it the most.

WHAT?! – “didn’t you just leave your husband?” The look I get is mostly the single raised eyebrow. Uhm. yes and I wasn’t sure at first either but this man is pretty awesome. 

One BIG thing about unhealthy relationships is they keep you guessing until you begin having to read between the lines and they often reaffirm the in-between are all sort of hurtful or damaging thoughts. You end up reading between the lines trying to avoid the next fight by “fixing it,” being smaller, or confronting it before it becomes that big fight that it does. Example: I had one relationship where if I were to take some more energy for myself-work-independence we would fight within 4-6 days, likely because I wasn’t consistently “on” ready and looking for prevention and caring to their wants.

In my current relationship we are are upfront and honest – brutally so – but I think that will work in our advantage long-term.  I never have to read into what he is saying looking for something wrong though I notice this is a habit and I’m choosing to change it- same as saying “just”  (try and avoid it you’ll notice how much it comes up!) or the fact that I noticed how much I was apologizing for myself or behavior instead of being confident “yep, I’m working on that.” that was so weird and uncomfortable at first.

 I’m choosing to change these habits means being consistently “on” for myself. This is way more tiring then some of the other stuff going on right now – and there is a lot, but that stuff is fun. Feeling like you’re going crazy and if you run away from this good thing you’ll feel better is NOT FUN. I will not let myself run away – it is sometimes a hourly choice to not run. Thus, the brain looks for things wrong because it’s learning, and we can’t be to hard on ourselves for learning or unlearning. It takes a strength and work that isn’t physical and sometimes can feel hard to justify – but I assure you it is worth it.

Always go forward, it’s okay to be at varying speeds. 

 
Thanks to the article that made me think about writing this blog and my awesome partner who is patient, incredibly loving, kind, stubborn, and a brutally honest man.

It’s not always easy – but it’s always worth it.

 I would love to photograph you and share your story.

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Choice

I had an awesome time yesterday getting to hang out with a friend and the subject of choice came up. I believe that everything has an option for choice. Sometimes neither choice is awesome but it still shapes us how we are. During our chat I mentioned other choices that may not seem as though they are a choice, choosing to get insulin to improve your life vs not. For myself one hard one was choosing to remain in an abusive relationship or taking my life, when I was very young the skills I had lead me to believe those were my choices. I’m happy to say I’m still here today.

Thankfully my choices now are more positive and exciting. I get to choose to go for a walk, whom I want to see, to do my power stances -they are awesome and really give you a boost after a while! Most importantly, how I want my mentality to be for the day – even when faced with daily/hourly triggers of sexual violence in regards to the Stanford case circulating everywhere. “I choose to be awesome” was my mantra my last month of marriage and you know what, it has stuck.

Of course I get a lil burned out or have off days, on those days I try to remind myself to do self care. Example – computer work can be draining working in a basement when it’s sunny outside. So I can choose to boost that mentality by, taking a break, going for a walk, eating something, or simply enjoying my coffee break outside with no distraction, rather then working through it and letting it get cold. *which reminds me! I have coffee getting cold.*

Choice is an everyday phenomenon. Jill Bolte has said, When something triggers an emotion in you, it effects you biologically for only 90 seconds, after that it is our brain reinforcing that emotional state, it is also prolonged by not allowing ourselves to be present with that emotional state so that we are able to move forward from it.

So even though I am mentally a little more exhausted with remaining present in my choice to be positive despite my PTSD wanting to raise it’s head at every second news feed post.  I choose to have self care, speak positively, and handle one task at a time.

To any survivors or those sensitive to the news, you have my love and I wish you the strength to take care of and be kind to yourself.

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#Choosetobeawesome #mentalhealthmatters #selfcare #JillBolte #Stranford #sexualabuse #survivor #PTSD #coping #grateful #neuroscience #psychology #selfhelp #spoonie #vaw

What is a good first post anyways?

So I was watching this talk on entrepreneurs and their online presence and how being honest and you is a good thing, posting your struggles and wins being authentic. I feel pretty strongly about this in person but still find I choose who get’s what view of me. So this is me putting it all out there. My ups ups ups and bam crash boom and ups and ups ;D

I’m in my second year as an entrepreneur -that is scary, thrilling, so positive, scary, and AMAZING. The Amazing far outweighs the scary.  I was told by a close friend “I love how you’re not scared to fail” WRONG but I accept the fact that we all fail, some are big some are small. It’s choice to look at where you fell, dust yourself off, look at what the hell tripped you or did you forget to tie your fucking show, and fix said shoe if that was the case, and most importantly, move forward.

In addition to being an entrepreneur and all that comes with that here’s some stuff I’ll post about. I have recently left a marriage and we both were so much better off with that choice that each of us have also happened to find really rad people. I have PTSD an identify strongly as a feminist – oh no dirty word for some. You can move on if you like but I assure you I won’t shove it in your face to much… haha jk – it’s in my everyday! I’m a woman’s portrait photographer. There will be sarcasm and giggles. I believe love is not a finite resource and that compassion, tolerance, and understanding are traits that make life beautiful for a world larger then your own.  Other then that I’m hoping to use this to try and keep up communication and perhaps cross share between here and my website www.PurpleMoosePortraits.ca

Lots of love and laughs to you!

Jen

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#Entrepreneur #Feminism #PTSD #love #life #passion #photography #portraitphoto #photographer #cityofPG #tryingsomethingnew #honest #fromtheheart